Redback bites man down under

Don’t bite me bro !

Crickey.

I winced where I heard about this story with the headline “MAN BITTEN BY VENOMOUS SPIDER ON HIS JOHNSON“, in the Sky Valley Chronicle  (“The #1 Read & Rated Sky Valley News Source & Only Daily Paper in the Sky Valley!”-Love it!!! ) :

(SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA) — This may make you think twice before you ever again use a portable toilet (aka Porta-Potty, the blue dunker, honey pot, blumpkin, pit stop, tinkle tower, blow out shack, boom-boom room, the dirty squirty etc.) at a campground or construction site.

An Australian man had his day (presumably) ruined recently, ending up at a hospital, after a venomous red spider bit him right on his Johnson (aka the man muscle, boom stick, the impaler, one-eyed-luv snake, the big salami, schlong, skin flute, the wang, the Jimmy Johnson and last but very least, penis).

Couldn’t have written it better myself though I may have used different words for the Penis  – we have Pecker,  John Thomas, Cock, Donger, Old Fella, Snag, Tool, dick – and that is not even trying too hard.

The Australian ‘Daily Telegraph’ has a more routine headline” Redback bites Sydney man’s penis in portaloo” which tells us of a 21 year old “Tradie” who using a Portaloo on a building site when the spider bit him on his genitalia about 8.45am. (..as if the time matters !).

Paramedics were initially called to the scene, but a NSW Ambulance spokesman said the bitten man managed to make his own way to hospital for treatment.

“He’s somehow managed to get alternative transport to hospital,” he said.

Too bloody right. I would steal a train, plane, automobile, taxi, moped, bicycle or sprint there !

In the same Telegraph article, there as some helpful information about redbacks and being bitten while on the lav.

“Going back 80 years or so when people were still using outhouse toilets it was extremely common, something like up to 80 per cent of cases of spider bites were bites on the male genitalia,” he said

“Typically they were using the toilet. But it’s much less common now, I can’t think of a case.”

Redback anti-venom was developed in the early 1950s and deaths are typically very rare, however 22-year-old Jayden Burleigh died earlier this month of complications following a spider bite.

If bitten, patients are advised to apply an ice pack or cold compress and call emergency services.

“A bite from a redback is certainly going to make the patient very miserable, but it’s very uncommon to die as we’ve had an anti-venom for more than 50 years,” he said.

There’s more. Apparently 2000 people are bitten every year by Redback Spider in Australia and are the source for stories about “spiders on the dunny”.

As Australian Academy of Science’s Associate Professor Bryan Fry says : “But of all the places to get bitten and of all the spiders, he had to pick this one. The redback has to be the most painful spider in Australia.”

PS: I’ll betcha’ll are wondering if the Workie secretly said “Doc – take away the pain but leave the swelling”.

Cali

Terrierists attack Australia

Dahlings, Have you seen Johnny Depps and Amber Heard’s new film?

Is it Caribbean Pirate adventure Cleo? That has some relevance but nope. What about An Alice in Wonderland II? That was a strange movie wasn’t it but nope.

Let me put you out of your misery as I don’t think you are going to get it.

It is a public apology ! Mrs Depp was busted for illegally bringing their two pampered mutts into Australia on their private plane.

Australia has strict quarantine laws and Amber attempted to sneak them in by falsely filling out declaration forms. She faced up to 10 years in Prison and at one stage, the dogs – Pistol and Boo – were threatened with being destroyed if the dogs “didn’t bugger off back to the US“. So why were the visiting Australia, Johnny was filming yet another Pirates in the Caribbean movie.

For the record, if you bring animals into Australia, then they may have to go into a period of quarantine. See Aussie govt site where Australia has a bad history of bringing Animals in which go amok (Look up Rabbits in Australia). Besides, they have enough scary animals – Fauna as well as human- in Australia as it is and don’t want any more scary animals like 5 lb Yorkies.

So back to the video. This heartfelt and sincere apology was received with reverence by the public like this:

Or this..

But saving the best for last is Natalie Tran’s behind the scene take of how it was actually made

So Roamans. When you fill out those Immigration forms, remember to not listen to Nancy Reagan. Just say “Yes”.

Ciao for now,
Cleo.

Where the bloody hell are you? Not in the water that’s for sure..

How to rile up a Daily Mail reader

Dahlings, the Daily Mail tells me that in 2015, there were 34 Gold coast drownings and 29 shark attacks throughout Australia. Stinger Season, Ocean Rips and Crocodiles pose risks across the nation.

Oh. My. Gawd. Let’s send a telex or a paprus runner to Dame Edna to cancel our plans to go to Australia.

As if it is going to make the DM sound all broadsheet-y, the piece alludes to some reports and figures. I particularly like this one fictbit:

Nearly half of these drownings occurred at beaches and were largely males – at popular spots like Bondi Beach in eastern Sydney, which saw the death of a father-of-two in July last year.

The beach is known for its uncompromising ocean rips – strong currents of water – which drags unsuspecting tourists past their depth and leaves local lifesavers with the task of saving them.

In February 1938 in Bondi, a day that became known as Black Sunday, huge waves and a sudden rip saw 245 people rescued, 35 left unconscious and 5 swimmers dead by accidental drowning.

1938? How contemporary can you be DM Continue reading..