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Cleopatra | Roads-2-Roam.com

Author Archives: Cleopatra

In the heat of the moment

James McElvar: a bit overdressed for his travels

Dahlings, yet another pop star wanna be, James McElvar from ‘boyband’ REWIND, passed out on an EasyJet flight and violently threw up on board. An ambulance was called and after treatment, McElvar thankfully turned out ok.

The EasyJet was going from Stanstead to Jimmy’s home town of Glasgow.

This story was absolutely shocking in that it was NOT about the Stereotype Scotsman getting paralytic drunk by mid afternoon and passing out.

NOR was it about another Stereotype of an unruly misunderstood pop star diva experiencing the uhm, high life.

Instead, we need to keep an open mind. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the evidence:

  • The reason Jimmy passed out was due to heat exhaustion.
  • The reason Jimmy had heat exhaustion was that he was wearing 12 layers of clothes.
  • The reason Jimmy was wearing 12 layer of clothes was that he didn’t want to to pay £45 to check in one of his pieces of hand luggage.

Move along there now. No Scottish Stereotypes to see here. Aye, right!

Ciao for now,

Hilton dis-HHonors

Empress Paris

Dahlings, Did any of you see that Middle Eastern TV prank where Paris Hilton was on a plane that was about to crash? To save you watching it, Paris freaked out where she understandably did not want to die and when it was finally revealed it was a prank, she was visibly upset.

A few days later, it was widely reported in the rags that she was sueing for emotional distress.

It now turns out that Paris was in on the stunt where she had been paid a million dollars according to TMV.

Well, I wasn’t taken in. I KNEW she was faking it.

The give away was that she once on board, she didn’t yell multiple times “I will fucking own anyone on this flight; they are fucking peasants!” in the manner of her similar talented sibling Conrad Hilton III upon a British Airways flight.

Oh Paris what are we going to do with you?

I look to the literati for guidance and who better than mon ami Jean Cocteau’s ‘Le Coq et l’Arlequin’:

In Paris, everybody wants to be an actor; nobody is content to be a spectator.

Oh la la.

Ciao for now,

Model Behaviour. Not so Super.

Not Kate but he gathered no moss. She somewhat looks like him…

Dahlings, Have you heard the scandal about Kate, the model aboard an EasyJet flight?

I refer not to Kim K’s new step mom who graced Vanity Fair, but Kate Moss the super model who according to the Daily Mail, was met by Bedfordshire Constabulary upon landing in Luton Airport. Apparently Ms Moss was reported as being rather ‘excitable’ on the EasyJet flight where she was rumored to have been swigging vodka from her own personal supply. Calling out the Old Bill for drunk passengers sampling their BYOA is a standard practice for UK bound aircraft.

I was horrified reading this. Afterall, isn’t a top model supposed to be drinking Champagne?

By the way, what  is she doing flying EasyJet? I guess EasyJet let’s anybody on these days. Still if it good enough for Brad and Angelina, and  HRH Prince Billy to fly with the plebs, who am I to criticize ?

Apparently, as Kate was being led away, she called the Pilot the double barreled B Word. OOOHHHH !! She called the pilot a “Basic Bitch”.

Huh you say? “Basic Bitch” is a trendy US put down line for “riff raff”.

Oh, Kate Dahling, you shouldn’t have. Such witty repartee is wasted on the EasyJet crowd – they were going to Luton afterall – You should have reserved this for your cultured “in” crowd.

The best laugh to this story was a Grauniad feminarticle by Suzanne Moore titled “If your idea of hell is sitting next to Kate Moss on an easyJet flight, you must be dead inside”. The gist of it was:

Women cannot enjoy themselves, especially charming and tipsy ones, without provoking outrage and moralising.

One of Ms Moore’s argument was that she wasn’t as bad as some other Male stars – Ian Brown of the Stone Roses, REM’s Peter Buck, Conrad Hilton of “Fucking Peasant’s quote, or our favorite wizman, Gerard Depardeu which Trajan talked about previously. Thus Moore’s logic being that anybody who didn’t like women behaving badly in public, hated women. QED, Easyjet flight attendents , who are also likely to be female, are also haters. Uh ok, Suzzy.

As usual, the best thing as usual about any Guardian pieces are the educated comments. One wag picked up on the men hating theme and termed it “Moss-ogyny”.

Now THAT is what I call wit. It’s Basic. Bitches.

Ciao for Now,

It’s tough to love Marie’s Muff

An interpretation of Marie Antoniette’s bits in the Versailles palace

Dahlings, as it the poor Parisians haven’t suffered enough for the art, someone decides to place a sculpture of Marie Antoniette’s hooty hoo (source Daily Mail) in the middle of Versailles Palace.

Not surprisingly, some locals are not impressed.

The British artist, Anish Kapoors, appartently said that his giant, 60-metre long rusty metal funnel represents ‘a queen’s vagina’ taking power.

It is thought that he is referring to Marie Antoinette – the wife of Louis XVI famed for telling starving peasants in France ‘Let them eat cake.’

Kapoor admits his work is provocative and praised the head of the Palace of Versailles as being ‘brave and generous’ to display his work.

Last christmas, I wrote that Paris had another public naughty exhibit of “Tree” which resembled an inflatable butt plug. That lasted all of one night until someone punctured it. This time, I can’t see how someone could vandalize this one.

This will make some interesting explaining to the kids.

Ciao for now,



Strike two – where’s my wallet?

Eiffel tower works strike in protest of these guys

Dahlings, Those Frenchy Eiffel tower workers are out on strike again.

This time it is not a solidarity strike but it is a protest. The cause of the protest….Pickpockets.

Yes, you read that correct. They didn”t open friday to protest against the rise of petty crime around the tower.

In 2012, Louvre workers went out on strike for the same reason.

Well, I guess their hearts are in the right places but it is rather an odd thing to strike over.

Ciao for now,

The pen in mightier than the snored

Dahlings, I am sure most of us Roamans have taken a nap on a plane or a train. That nap, is not without it’s perils.

One of my dear friends, Whittikus, would regularly fall to sleep on the train when coming back from Londinium. While asleep, a fellow passenger relieved him of his laptop bag. Twice this happened and while his company was understanding, he did acquire a new nickname: Napkin.

I am sure also, that some of you have snored. Another of my dear friends, Bax Britania, fell asleep on a Portugal beach. When he woke up,  the people around him burst into a round of applause and cheering. His snoring was legendary.

However, nobody expects to be stabbed awake which is exactly what happened to Lenny Madarski, 68 who nodded off while still on the runway of a Southwest flight from Chicago Midway to New Hampshire. Continue reading..

Bali Booze Ban Bamboozles Bogans

Don’t Bogan that joint my friend..

Dahlings, It’s a double whammy to the stereotype Australian lifestyle.

First Quantas enforces a Business Smart dress code for it’s lounges and now Indonesian Politicians are looking at banning beverages that contain more than 1% alcohol. [What’s Indonesia got to do with Australia, Cleo?] The answer is the island of Bali, dahlings.

You see, Bali is THE party place for Australians and not too far from the mainland.

However, the latest news is that the version of party island is going to be the Islamic Party island.

This will be a disaster for Bali who rely and tourism and Aussies are their #1 tourist base. Not only that by Bali is about 84% Hindu.

While the fate of the Bali nine (two are Australians) who will be executed is a bit of a downer to most visitors it has no noticeable boycott. On the other hand, ‘roos can’t booze’ will be major reason not to come.

Still I learned a new word today on the discussion boards where an Aussie mentioned that the only ones who go to Bali are “Bogans”. Bogans?

The term bogan (/ˈbɡən/[1]) is an Australian and New Zealander slang word that can be used to describe a person with a lower working class background, or whose speech, clothing, attitude and behaviour exemplify a gratified working class mentality and depending on the context, can be pejorative or self-deprecating.[2] The bogan person will generally lack sophistication and refinement.

Well I never. You learn something new everyday.

Look like they are intended to be an Antipodean cousin to a British Chav or a US Redneck. Is Bali then an Asian Maguluf with perhaps better sunsets?

Just as I was about to finish up this post, I mentioned “Bogan” to Augustus and he looked puzzled. I read from “Stuff Bogans Like” where amongst other things, Bogans like “Contiki tours” and as soon as I mentioned this, Augustus spat out his drink out laughing.

Augustus recited a story about when he roamed around Europe, the summer after his graduation. He and companions had stayed in a campsite in Heidelburg, Germany. It was around 10:30 pm mid week and nothing was happening in the campsite bar (Yes campsite with a bar : It is Germany afterall) and was going to call it a night when 2 Contiki coaches turned up. All these young Aussies pilled out and they all hit the bar. Instant party, music changed with people dancing. 10 minutes later, the first Contiki guest wanted to fight with him !

Ciao for now,

oh lordy…time for bed



A Pigs Arse Backlash against Qantas dress code

Some Aussies react to Qantas enforcement of ‘Smart Business’

Dahlings, strewth. Seems like those Aussies are chundering over Qantas’ decision to have a ‘smart casual’ dress code for it’s business and club lounges.

“Singlets, bare feet, rubber thongs and clothing with offensive images or slogans are, in most cases, likely to be deemed unacceptable,” said Qantas.

Bloody Hell. I never thought I’d see this from a country as laid back as the Aussies.

The best response is by Estelle Lucas.

However, the policy is not being applied everywhere especially Darwin, the capital of the Northern Territory. Apparently not too many suits in desert.

Ciao for now,


See also



Virgin on the ridiculous

Rough time for Virgin Atlantic flight VS109

Dahlings, My dear friend Rich has big plans to expand his Virgin Empire where the inaugural flight took place to fly from Atlanta to Manchester.

However, getting back to Atlanta proved to be a bit tricky due to involvement of the Manchester Airport Fire service.

They had one task to do and that was to give a water cannon salute as the plane left to go back. After all, what could go wrong with a water salute?

Well, go wrong it did, as someone pushed the wrong button and sprayed the plane with fire suppressing foam which clogged the engines.

Instead of the 10:35 am departure, the flight was delayed for 5 hours before it was finally cancelled.

Way to go Manchester Airport – What a way to loose your Virginity !

Ciao for Now,