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Caligula | Roads-2-Roam.com

Author Archives: Caligula

Splash and Dash

If you’ve not seen this you got to watch this video. What a boss ! I counted 4 people he splashed while driving.Hilarious.

Unfortunately, he was driving his company van and some snitch, contacted the boss’ proper boss and he got fired.

Oi Mate. If you need a job, I could always do with a driver like this. We could have hours of schadenfreude entertainment. Hours.


Shell shock: Woman jailed for 15 days for Conch poaching in Key West

Officer John Martino with the great Queen Conch Heist (Copyright : Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission)

She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I’m sure she sells seashore shells go

I’m sure she picks seashells by the seashore that are actually live Queen Conch AND that seashore is Key West, Florida, you are in big trouble. Which is exactly what happened to Dianna Fiscal-Gonzalez, 30, a Dallas mother who got 15 days in Jail for being busted in possession of 40 Queen Conches hiding away in their seashells.

TV stations WFFA of Dallas has a bit more to the story where it interviews the brother of mollusk moll. According to the bro, Diana didn’t actually take any of the shells but took the hit for her kids.

So what is this law then? From the US fish and wildlife website:

“Queen conch was once found in high numbers in the Florida Keys but, due to a collapse in conch fisheries in the 1970s, it is now illegal to commercially or recreationally harvest queen conch in that state. The United States is responsible for the consumption of 80% of the world’s internationally traded queen conch.”

If  just shells, it is ok to pick but not if they contain live Queen Conches as this makes it poaching. Got it plebs?

Back when I wore the purple in the original Rome, I once declared war on Poseidon, god of the sea, instead of invading Britain. Being the brilliant general that I am, I ordered my Legions to throw their spears into the sea. After a glorious victory, my brave soldiers collected seashells as war booty.

And what happened to me for this event? Did I get 15 days in Jail? No. I got assassinated. Blood e’ll. She got off lightly.


Expedia : Keeping it in the family

Oi ! Wot the bloody’ell is all the fuss about with Chelsea Clinton being appointed to a Board Director at Expedia with a $300K salary eh? To be honest, I am tickled in my bits with an ostrich feather as I see the Ancient ways in use today.

If you ask me, it is social progress to see someone high born with no talent, experience or ability, get an appointment way above their station based on the influence of their parents. That is the way it should be and the natural reaction against this experiment known as meritocracy. Just like we used to do with filling the military with sons of Senators in making them Tribunes.

I am also impressed with Expedia in attempting to blatantly grease their influence just in case a certain person gets the purple ! But is there something else that Expedia may want to hire a Clinton?

Of course, how could I forget. Silly me. The family has some expertise in travel management and cost cutting where once Bill came into being 42, the White House travel staff got fired and replaced with “World Wide Travel”, from Little Rock, Arkansas. Oh that was smooth !

But before I forget. Chelsea old fruit, I may be almost 2000 years but even I know it is the wrong direction coming from a “$600k” & ‘journalist’ job with NBC. “Director” sound good but as for the $300k salary, you need to get a better agent.



Phwew – smells like someone died in there

Weekend at Hungy Jack's.

Weekend at Hungy Jack’s.

Oi, ‘ave you noticed when you go in the crapper and they have a sign off sheet showing when the last cleaned it?

Well someone in a Perth “Hungry Jacks” – a version of Burger King – obviously wasnt doing their job after someone died in the toilet from an overdose, and the body wasn’t discovered until 3 days later. From ABC website

Another customer, who gave his name as Rob, said he was concerned the toilets had apparently not been checked for three days.

“Three days is a long time for somebody to be locked in a toilet cubicle and for it not to be cleaned,” he said.

Just look at some local reviews on Zomato of the place. It got 2.6  from 5 ratings so forgetting to do a dead person inspection, doesn’t sound too amiss.


You’re talking the Mickey

Gospel according to Mick

Oi Roamans, my Favorite corporate leader Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has spoken again. This time he wants to shoot the cyclists of Dublin.

From cyclingweekly.co.uk:

He may have been speaking at the Creative Minds conference in Dublin, but Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary won’t win any creativity awards for his thoughts on what to do with cyclists.

The outspoken Irishman hit out at Dublin City Council’s plans to make the city a more appealing place for cyclists.

“That’s all we need in Dublin is more blooming bicycles,” he said, reported in the Irish Independent. “In a country where it rains about 250 days a year, the way forward for Dublin is more bicycles.

“Let’s just go back to walking altogether. Soon we’ll be living in caves designed by Dublin City Council. Traffic won’t work, there’s nowhere to park the cars and yet this is a smarter way forward.

“We should take the cyclists out and shoot them.”


He added: “I want to drive and I expect Dublin City [Council] to come up with a smarter way for me to get around Dublin and be able to park my car somewhere in the middle of Dublin without it being dug up every six weeks so we can have some other faddy non sustainable public transport solution.”

This is the same Micheal who got himself a Taxi company with one car (but never accepted any fairs for anyone other than himself) in order to use the fast lanes in Dublin. Noice !!

Micheal O’Leary is INFAMOUS. Some things attributed to him in 2009 (The Guardian):

On charging for using the toilet
“All this pious stuff about … you can’t charge for entering the toilet. All right then, we’ll charge you to exit the toilets.”

On charging for using the toilet (part two)
“If someone wanted to pay £5 to go to the toilet I would carry them myself. I would wipe their bums for a fiver.”

On the company that runs Stansted airport
“A bunch of overcharging rapists.”

On opening up new routes
“I don’t give a toss where people want to go. I’m in the business of creating a market for people to go where they have never heard of.”

On launching a Frankfurt route
“Jürgen [Weber, Lufthansa chairman] says Germans don’t like low fares. How the fuck does he know? The Germans will crawl bollock-naked over broken glass to get them.”

On Ryanair’s no-refund policy
“What part of no refund don’t you understand? You are not getting a refund so fuck off.”

On the recession (in Feb 2008)
“We would welcome a good, deep, bloody recession in this country for 12 to 18 months … It would help see off the environmental nonsense.”

On environmentalists
“We want to annoy the fuckers … The best thing we can do with environmentalists is shoot them … They are luddites marching us back to the 18th century.”

On women
“If you want to stay on your knees, by all means I’d encourage you … Sorry, I’ve forgotten the question … there was a very pretty girl on her knees there in front of me.”

On himself
“I don’t give a shit if nobody likes me.”

Other things he has said over the years:

  • “The French have never produced a great philosopher. Great wine maybe, but no great philosophers.”
  • “If drink sales are falling off, we get the pilots to engineer a bit of turbulence. That usually spikes sales.”
  • On passengers who forget to print their boarding passes: “We think they should pay €60 for being so stupid.”
  • “Anyone who thinks Ryanair flights are some sort of bastion of sanctity where you can contemplate your navel is wrong. We already bombard you with as many in-flight announcements and trolleys as we can. Anyone who looks like sleeping, we wake them up to sell them things.”
  • “Ryanair brings lots of different cultures to the beaches of Spain, Greece and Italy, where they couple and copulate in the interests of pan-European peace.”
  • “One thing we have looked at is maybe putting a coin slot on the toilet door, so that people might actually have to spend a pound to spend a penny in the future. Pay-per-pee. If someone wanted to pay £5 to go to the toilet, I’d carry them myself. I would wipe their bums for a fiver.”
  • “Do we carry rich people on our flights? Yes, I flew on one this morning and I’m very rich.”
  • To a Ryanair employee who dared to join the Twitter Q&A: “Get back to work you slacker or you’re fired.”
  • Opening a press conference to announce Ryanair’s annual results: “I’m here with Howard Millar and Michael Cawley, our two deputy chief executives. But they’re presently making love in the gentleman’s toilets, such is their excitement at today’s results.”
  • On why his bride arrived 35 minutes late for their wedding: “She’s coming here with Aer Lingus.”
  • “You’re not getting a refund so fuck off. We don’t want to hear your sob stories. What part of ‘no refund’ don’t you understand?”
  • “Screw the travel agents. Take the fuckers out and shoot them. What have they done for passengers over the years?”
  • “Why are we carrying 81 million passengers if we’re this terrible? We have the lowest fares, we have brand-new aircraft, we have the most on-time flights. It sounds like kind of a fucking Mormon Moonie session but we do.”
  • “The most influential person in Europe in the last 20 to 30 years has been Margaret Thatcher. Without her we’d all be living in some French bloody unemployed republic.”
  • “We want to annoy the fuckers whenever we can. The best thing you can do with environmentalists is shoot them. These headbangers want to make air travel the preserve of the rich. They are luddites marching us back to the 18th century. If preserving the environment means stopping poor people flying so the rich can fly, then screw it.”
  • On the British Airways/Iberia merger: “It reminds me of two drunks leaning on each other.”
  • “MBA students come out with: ‘My staff is my most important asset.’ Bullshit. Staff is usually your biggest cost. We all employ some lazy bastards who needs a kick up the backside, but no one can bring themselves to admit it.”
  • His response to the first questioner, a woman, during a live Twitter Q&A: “Nice pic. Phwoaaarr! MOL”
  • “All flights are fuelled with Leprechaun wee and my bullshit!”
  • “If global warming meant temperatures rose by one or two degrees, France would become a desert, which would be no bad thing. The Scots would grow wine and make buffalo mozzarella.”
  • “I’m Europe’s most underpaid and underappreciated boss. I’m paid about 20 times more than the average Ryanair employee and I think the gap should be wider.”
  • On Bertie Ahern: “I’m disrespectful towards authority. I think the prime minister of Ireland is a gobshite”
  • “The airline industry is full of bullshitters, liars and drunks. We excel at all three in Ireland.”
  • “The airline business is it is mostly run by a bunch of spineless nincompoops who actually don’t want to stand up to the environmentalists and call them the lying wankers that they are.”
  • “People either see me as Jesus, Superman or an odious little shit. I think I’m Jesus. A prophet in his own time.
  • “Ryanair’s biggest achievement? Bringing low fares to Europe and still lowering ’em. Biggest failure? Hiring me.”
  • On a bomb scare in Scotland: “The police force were outstanding in their field. But all they did was stand in their field. They kept passengers on board while they played with a suspect package for two and three quarter hours. Extraordinary.”
  • “I should get the Nobel peace prize – screw Bono.”
  • “Nobody wants to sit beside a really fat bastard on board. We have been frankly astonished at the number of customers who not only want to tax fat people but torture them.”
  • “I don’t give a shit if no one likes me. I’m not a cloud bunny or an aerosexual. I don’t like aeroplanes. I never wanted to be a pilot like those other platoons of goons who populate the airline industry.”

Finally, there is this press conference where Micheal talks about doing a Transatlantic flight option. Pay attention to the features of Business Class option.

LURVE IT  !!!! Top man Micheal.


Redback bites man down under

Don't bite me bro !

Don’t bite me bro !


I winced where I heard about this story with the headline “MAN BITTEN BY VENOMOUS SPIDER ON HIS JOHNSON“, in the Sky Valley Chronicle  (“The #1 Read & Rated Sky Valley News Source & Only Daily Paper in the Sky Valley!”-Love it!!! ) :

(SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA) — This may make you think twice before you ever again use a portable toilet (aka Porta-Potty, the blue dunker, honey pot, blumpkin, pit stop, tinkle tower, blow out shack, boom-boom room, the dirty squirty etc.) at a campground or construction site.

An Australian man had his day (presumably) ruined recently, ending up at a hospital, after a venomous red spider bit him right on his Johnson (aka the man muscle, boom stick, the impaler, one-eyed-luv snake, the big salami, schlong, skin flute, the wang, the Jimmy Johnson and last but very least, penis).

Couldn’t have written it better myself though I may have used different words for the Penis  – we have Pecker,  John Thomas, Cock, Donger, Old Fella, Snag, Tool, dick – and that is not even trying too hard.

The Australian ‘Daily Telegraph’ has a more routine headline” Redback bites Sydney man’s penis in portaloo” which tells us of a 21 year old “Tradie” who using a Portaloo on a building site when the spider bit him on his genitalia about 8.45am. (..as if the time matters !).

Paramedics were initially called to the scene, but a NSW Ambulance spokesman said the bitten man managed to make his own way to hospital for treatment.

He’s somehow managed to get alternative transport to hospital,” he said.

Too bloody right. I would steal a train, plane, automobile, taxi, moped, bicycle or sprint there !

In the same Telegraph article, there as some helpful information about redbacks and being bitten while on the lav.

“Going back 80 years or so when people were still using outhouse toilets it was extremely common, something like up to 80 per cent of cases of spider bites were bites on the male genitalia,” he said

“Typically they were using the toilet. But it’s much less common now, I can’t think of a case.”

Redback anti-venom was developed in the early 1950s and deaths are typically very rare, however 22-year-old Jayden Burleigh died earlier this month of complications following a spider bite.

If bitten, patients are advised to apply an ice pack or cold compress and call emergency services.

“A bite from a redback is certainly going to make the patient very miserable, but it’s very uncommon to die as we’ve had an anti-venom for more than 50 years,” he said.

There’s more. Apparently 2000 people are bitten every year by Redback Spider in Australia and are the source for stories about “spiders on the dunny”.

As Australian Academy of Science’s Associate Professor Bryan Fry says : “But of all the places to get bitten and of all the spiders, he had to pick this one. The redback has to be the most painful spider in Australia.”

PS: I’ll betcha’ll are wondering if the Workie secretly said “Doc – take away the pain but leave the swelling”.


The accidental nose job

Oi Maintenance person- When you see that button that says “do not press” and you are so curious to find out what it does, this is is does.

Just being nosey

The incident happened during a maintenance check with the forward landing gear retracted on the tarmac at Singapore’s Changi Airport Sunday. The only thing hurt except someones pride.

If I was in Singapore Airlines’ PR, I would say that it is not an accident but that the plane is just practicing bowing.  I would be impressed if they did this just for me – a new greeting to the super important class such as a Roaman Emperor.


After Dismaland, a big thanksy to Banksy

Dismaland - just a memory (or a nightmare) now. Copyright PA

Dismaland – just a memory (or a nightmare) now. Copyright PA

Oi Roamans, my mate Banksy’s “Dismaland” was a phenomenal success. Tonight was the last night and Dismaland exhibit has brought in at least $20m unexpected off-season revenue to Weston Super-Mare. The attendees were 4,000 visitors per day with 500 per day walk up admission with many people staying in the town. Hotels and B&B’s were booked out and even my cousin, the Celt, went there without a ticket but was turned down.

Billed as a “bemusement park” that was the pop-up “family” attraction Dismaland was also positioned as “unsuitable for children”.

Wicked !!!!

I laughed my bollocks off reading all those highfalutin, rooting tooting, ponsy art critics (such as the  NYT) yebering on about this not being true art but that was Banky’s point ! It made you look and think about it so who the heck cares !!

From what I hear, Dismaland will be dismantled and wooden ride made into refuge shelters then shipped to Calais for use by the refugees. Not sure they’d get the original exhibition mate but you know better than me.

Oi, Let’s have a shout ‘awt to the Top Geezer – BANKSYYYYY !



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